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Submissions for e-book

Posted by March 5, 2012

Two cyclists are riding for cancer.

Calling all fellow writers:

If you recall, a few months ago, I wrote a post about my friends’ Ride to Conquer Cancer.

Team Mediocre is looking for donations so I thought it would be a fun idea to put an e-book together, with all book sale proceeds going to their ride for cancer.

The e-book will be called “Grumpy About Cancer” and will be sold for under $5.00. This blog is heavily sarcastic, so feel free to write in that tone, but all kinds of voices will be accepted for this e-book.

If you want the opportunity to have your writing or art work featured in an awesome e-book, while also doing some good at the same time, send your submissions to oegrumbler@gmail.com.

Submit the following: art work, photography, non-fiction (max. 1000 words) or poetry.

Deadline is April 5th, 2012.

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Win! A DAVIDsTEA gift card, courtesy of the Grumbler

Posted by March 4, 2012

DAVIDsTEA wall of teas.

I may complain about a lot of things, but DAVIDsTEA is not one of them. The only gripe I have with this amazing company is that they have taken all my money whilst leaving delicious tea and cute tea accessories in my cupboard.

Where am I going with this, you ask? I’m going to be doing a draw for a DAVIDsTEA gift card for $20 at the end of March. If I were you, I’d spend it on one of those perfect mugs (the ones with the birds are aDORKable), or new coloured tins with some delicious Chocolate Orange tea inside.

All you have to do is “like” the Overeducated Grumbler Facebook page and write your biggest pet peeve on the wall. You also have the option of following me on Twitter @Terris_AK and then tweeting your pet peeve at me.

Contest will close on March 30th, with the draw happening on the 31st, so get your pet peeves in.

May the best tea addict win!

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Why Getting a Hair Cut Sucks

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Discorder March Cover 2012

I’m already awkward 90% of the time, but when I have to go get a hair cut every 3 months or so, my awkwardness really comes to life. Here is a recollection of past hair disasters experienced in Vancouver. You can take a look at my grumbles at the new issue of Discorder here.

 

Here’s a little preview:

This month, I was going to write about Bill C-11 (you know, the bill that could bring SOPA-like online piracy laws to Canada), and how we all need to put a stop to it. Instead, I got caught up in a gluten-free, non-dairy baking dork fest. If the bill passes, I will be dreadfully sorry to all of you.

I will regale you instead with a story about one of the most awkward and terrifying experiences known to mankind: a trip to the hairdresser, or hair stylist I should say (less of a dirty word). If my hair didn’t get afro-big or knotted up, I would probably never go, but alas, this is not an option for me. When I lived in Kelowna, I always saw the same hairstylist who did a great job so it wasn’t such a traumatizing experience. Now that I live in Vancouver, finding the right stylist has been a daunting task.

 

For the rest of this story, read here…

 

 

 

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The Curse of Being a Blonde

Posted by January 4, 2012

This week, the grumbler is tired of being stereotyped as an airhead. Here’s some thoughts currently happening in my brain:

I have this problem in life that I’ve probably created in my own head but am still bothered by nonetheless. This problem stems from the fact that since I’m blonde, most people automatically think that I must be an idiot. I believe certain of my fellow blondes are at fault for this, and I wanted to point out the ones leading to the “dumb blonde” reputation.

Hmm... it's so hard to believe we get such a bad rep

 

Contributing to the “all blondes are morons” clause is Anna Faris.

A few days ago, I had the displeasure of watching “What’s Your Number?” on an airplane. I’ll admit, this isn’t entirely Anna Faris’ fault, but I haven’t been that uncomfortable in a movie since I watched Antichrist.

Please, make it stop.

 

I could complain about “What’s Your Number” for days so I’m going to outline my three biggest problems with it.

 

1) The Premise Itself (SPOILER ALERT)

This plot line made absolutely no sense and seemed like someone just mashed together various scenes and tried to make a storyline out of it. In a nutshell: Anna Faris loses her job, and while she’s riding home on the subway, her biggest concern is a magazine article she reads that says the average woman has slept with 10.5 partners. Oh no! Anna Faris’ character has slept with 19 partners, which means she is going to die alone. Anyways, she gets very upset about this and declares that number 20 shall be THE ONE. A few nights later, she ends up sleeping with the boss who fired her and realizes her plan has failed. Instead of accepting it, or realizing that this magazine article might be a load of shit, she takes her obsession to new heights and decides to track down every single last ex-boyfriend in hopes that she won’t increase her number. Her ludicrous plan is that one of these schmucks will end up being the one for her. Then there’s something about life lessons, tampons, spray tans, and I don’t know, I was pretty lost after this cluster fuck of a plot line.

 

2) Women Only Have Value When They Have a Man

Again, Anna Faris’ character loses her job, and instead of worrying about that, she is determined to go on a man hunt that makes not only blonde ladies, but all women look completely insane.

Haven’t we been working our asses off to quash this notion for the past 50 plus years? This movie sets us back through 83 minutes of mind garbage.

 

3) The Men are Studs, Women Are Whores Dichotomy

The main premise of this movie is that if a woman exceeds 20 sexual partners, then they might as well just give up on the idea of marriage, because what kind of guy wants to end up with a disgusting sloooot like that? I’m surprised she wasn’t stoned to death in this movie.

Send thee to a nunnery!

To make matters worse, at the end of the movie, she accepts that the 21st guy she is about to sleep with may well be her last, so it appears that the movie is making some kind of progress. But then she gets an answering machine call from an ex who tells her that they actually never slept together, and that instead, she got way too hammered, puked all over him and was too drunk to fuck. This just confirms her deluded ideas and rationalizes her psychotic behavior. YES. Now that she’s only slept with 20 guys, Chris Evans’ abs can make an honest woman out of her.

I’m going to pretend this movie never happened, and I guess all I can do is to keep proving that I’m smart despite the color of my hair.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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The Grumbler’s Holiday Wishlist

Posted by November 27, 2011

Christmas is coming early ladies and gents! Here is the grumbler’s column for Discorder’s holiday issue, coming to you a few days early. Be sure to grab yourself a copy on December 1st to give yourself something to read while you’re on the toilet.

That Grumbler lady is driving me CRRRAZY

Here it goes:

 

The Grumbler’s Holiday Wish list

5 Must-Sees This Holiday Season

 

For some reason, the winter doesn’t make me grumble as much. Mostly because I am one of those saps that loves Christmas. Winter is also the perfect setting to brood, which surprisingly makes me happy.

 

And I LOVE EGGNOG! You creamy bastard...

 

To make winter even more fun, there is so much great local stuff coming our way in Van. If I wasn’t a poor and starving writer cliché, I would go to every event possible this winter. It seems like everything is coming up at once and I wish I could see all of it. Anyways, here are some of my recommendations for things to see this winter:

 

Dan Deacon:

 

He's chubby. He wears big glasses. He's a shit load of fun.

 

I’ve heard his shows are mental! And who doesn’t want to see a chubby guy in giant classes dance around and make us all smile? Plus, his album Bromst blows my mind, and tickets are only 15 bones!

 

December 2, 2011

The Rickshaw

Doors: 8:00 PM

$15

 

Graham Clark

 

You have a warm place in my heart.

 

I’m a comedy snob, I’ll be the first to admit it, and I enjoy Graham Clark’s and Dave Shumka’s “Stop Podcasting Yourself” podcast. What I enjoy even more, are Graham Clark’s tweets. This is reason enough to see him at The Comedy Mix on December 15-17.

 

Dinosaur Jr. – Bug

J Mascis is still the coolest dude on the planet. Although, he kind of looks like David Cross dressed up for a Mr. Show skit.

 

Not only are Dinosaur Jr. playing with the kick ass Henry Rollins, but they are playing their classic album Bug. Seriously, everyone, they are playing the album that had “Freak Scene” on it. It’s a 90′s staple. Get yer tickets!

 

Sun, December 18, 2011

The Commodore Ballroom

7:00 pm

$29.50

 

Wilco

Wilco will love you Baby

After watching the Wilco documentary “I Am Trying to Break Your Heart,” my head almost exploded. They seem like great performers and like they put on a good show. I’m not the biggest fan of their newer material, but maybe they can change my mind. I missed them at the Olympics and now is my chance!

 

February 5, 2012

The Orpheum

8:00 PM

$39.50 – $47.50

 

Tree Lighting Event

Because it wouldn't be Christmas, without a badass tree.

 

I already admitted to being a Christmas loving dork, so why not feel all warm and fuzzy and check out the Rockefeller-style Tree Light Celebration at Jack Poole Plaza. The event is a 50 foot tree lit up in front of the gallery with some Christmas soloists and a special guest appearance by none other than SANTA CLAUSE! Why not have a feel good moment this winter, am I right? And this is coming from me!

 

Thursday, December 9, 2011

Jack Poole Plaza at the Vancouver Convention Centre

5:30 pm to 7:00 pm

 

Just so you all don’t go too crazy, I am still my cynical self. I will share with you my least favourite thing about Christmas. It’s clearly not eggnog. Is it presents? What are you crazy? Who doesn’t love presents? The worst thing about Christmas for me is… SHOPPING MALLS.

Get me out of here. My neuroses is flaring up!

I do my Christmas shopping two months in advance just so I can avoid this. My biggest problem when I go out shopping is that other people out shopping are always in la-la land. Yes, I’m an irritable person but come on everyone, can you please just pay attention to what you’re doing? Everyone is walking turtle pace and not paying attention and I just want to knock people down. Yes, children included. You should be looking after them, parents. Sheesh.

I don't care how cute and sweet you are, i will knock you down!

Anyways, just had to get that off my chest. Happy Holidays everyone! Sigh.

This blog post is dedicated to my nephew, Anson, who is genetically guaranteed to be way cooler than me. Hope you enjoy your first Christmas, buddy!

 

 

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Vancouver: Do Not Bring the Real Housewives Near Me

Posted by November 17, 2011

I have a recurring nightmare. First of all, I have “Palm Springs face.” I coined this term for the women (and men!) who have so much plastic surgery that their face looks like putty. Kind of like Albert Brooks’ face.

When I look in the mirror, all I see is beauty.

Then I’m this tall, tanned skeleton hosting parties and screaming at people for not giving me enough attention. I have no job, and just have my husband pay for anything. Then I take a cocktail of Adderall, Gin, and ice cream cake (I hate myself) to numb all my emotions and wake up the next day to repeat.

I don’t have dreams of getting kidnapped or being tortured to death, probably because this nightmare I keep having is my greatest fear realized.

I always thought of Vancouver as a safe haven from this type of horrible lifestyle that I want no part of. I haven’t noticed as much “Palm Springs face” around town and the rich people never seemed as bad as they did in the bigger cities. Vancouverites with money seem to be more laid back and classy. I’m sure there are exceptions, but this extravagant, socialite behaviour doesn’t seem to be commonplace. We are, in fact, one of the worst dressed cities which I take as a compliment because I think it means we are low maintenance. I have no problem walking down the street in my sweatpants and not being embarrassed. Who doesn’t like to be comfortable? Even sweatpants are coming into style so I declare that lazy and stylish can totally coexist.

This is why I was so baffled to hear that my least favourite series on television is coming to town: The Real Housewives of Vancouver.

I didn’t even know Vancouver had its own little douchebag society, and I’ll admit, I’m curious about it. But I’m also disappointed that we are going to be contributing to the world’s “women are mindless idiots and superficial robots” clause.

Friends of mine even met these horrible people at a recent party where the wives were filming. Said friends were approached by this behemoth of a blonde woman – who looked like a jellyfish from all the filler, and was so blotto and coked out – and she asked them if they wanted to take a shower with her. Actually, that’s the kind of shit the show should be filming because I would watch and laugh at that all day.

Vancouver, we are better than this. This Real Housewives of Vancouver will only add to our tarnished reputation after the whole riot thing. I cringe even mentioning it again.

If you want to maintain a good rep, keep bringing all my favourite bands to town (Dan Deacon, I’m comin’ fer ya!).

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Pink – What’s The Dealio?

Posted by November 1, 2011

Grow up.

I was sitting in the theatre watching Friends With Benefits with my friend Mari at the Scotiabank Theatre, contemplating how I’ve seen every single franchise that involves the fuck buddies theme—I also saw the JT/Mila Kunis movie No Strings Attached and even watched the NBC sitcom of the same name. Why did I enjoy this theme so much? I’ve never even been in that type of scenario; I’ve always been one of those monogamy-only douchebags. Maybe the fact that it was so foreign to me was the appeal.
While I was having an ADHD moment letting the thoughts spin around in my head, there was this horrible trailer screening for a movie called New Year’s Eve. Watch the trailer IF YOU DARE.

America really loves these Love Actually type of movies with different, sometimes intersecting plot lines involving a million characters, except Love Actually was actually good. (Yeah, I just said Love Actually was good, that’s how jaded I am about this). New Year’s Eve looks like the worst of its kind—is every single person who ever lived in this movie? The usual Ashton Kutcher, Zac Efron, Katherine Heigl, Sarah Jessica Parker (as another variation of Carrie Bradshaw) cheesy movie shit storm cast is included, but Robert De Niro and Seth Meyers, why must you resort to this crap?
These are just the people that appear in the trailer too. Who knows what kind of cameos are going to pop up? I’m expecting to see Oprah and maybe a zany appearance from Richard Simmons or some other kind of washout whose career needs to be revitalized.

What I also happened to notice during this crummy movie trailer was that they used that annoying Pink ear murder, “Raise Your Glass,” as this kind of inspirational, feel-good anthem. This tune always makes me feel rage-tastic, mostly because of the lyric, “too school for cool.” Really, Pink? You’re not a teenager anymore, you’re in your fucking thirties – can you not come up with some smarter words? I’m embarrassed for you.

When the trailer was over, I was happy I didn’t have to hear that atrocity that claims to be music. THINK AGAIN. The next trailer was for Anna Faris’ What’s Your Number? and they used the same Pink number in that trailer too.

“Are they playing that Pink song again?” I said to Mari. “Who organized these trailers to play back-to-back? Bad move.” She shrugged and didn’t seem to care—stuff like this apparently only bothers an über nerd like me. Yeah, and I even just used the word über. Score one for nerd!

Pink’s music has this horrible effect on me where it plays in my head all day. I couldn’t stop thinking about the experience I had in the theatre, and after, I had noticed just how much this Pink song has been used for girly movies. Even Bridesmaids, a movie which I loved, used the it in the trailer. For shame!

Yes, I understand Pink is this good-for-feminism type of lady. She had that one song called “Stupid Girls” making fun of those emaciated, dumb blonde Hollywood types like Paris Hilton who are only concerned with their weight and appearance. The video even had Pink mocking this by shoving a toothbrush down her throat and purging into a sink. Scandalous!

I like that she isn’t one of those contradictory feminists like Destiny’s Child who sing about girl power and women being independent, but then wear skirts so short that they show off their vaginas.

Pink seems to stick to her convictions except for in one key area: the music. Pink’s music does not kick ass. If I am in a “go ladies!” type of mood, I’ll listen to Exile in Guyville-era Liz Phair, because she made a statement about the male dominated music industry. If I want to feel bad ass, I’ll listen to Alison Mosshart of the Kills’ sultry vocals. Hell, I’ll even listen to Adele because that lady’s got chops and can move people to tears. These women are making strides in the music industry, not Pink’s gimmicky pop.

So, movie trailer creators, stop putting that Pink song in girly movie trailers, because I’m too school for cool to be listening to that crap.

 

 

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Do Some Good! Donate to the Ride to Conquer Cancer.

Posted by October 24, 2011

Listen up, creeps. Chasing Birds with Drunkards’ new blog post will make you LOL. Yeah, I just said “LOL.” I’m having a good day, alright? Read this now.

Not only will you be presented with the best mascot of all-time, but he has brought up something very important. All of you must donate to Rory and Tamara’s Ride to Conquer Cancer. They both have to raise $2500 to participate which is a lot of scratch, so they could use some help, everybuddy.

The story behind it got me pretty flustered which resulted in me fanning myself for a good long while. Find out more at their team page so you can do the right thing and donate.

That is all.

 

 

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More Worst Plot lines on TV

Posted by October 22, 2011

Well, TV has done it again this week. Sadly, one of the shows below is very dear to the poor grumbler (and no, it’s not Hart of Dixie). Although, the fact that I do watch that show is quite troubling.

Here it goes:

Hart of Dixie – The Heat Wave

I've lost all control in the heat wave!

The whole concept behind this Hart of Dixie episode was that the heat wave currently happening in the town was making everyone crazy. The doctors office was lined up out the door, people are having crazy random sex. All mayhem breaks loose in the heat wave! People can’t control their impulses!

This plot was dumb enough on its own, and then they had to add a little gem at the end. Just as Rachel Bilson was about to break out of her neurotic, tightly wound doctor personality (not a cliche character type at all), and have sex with the morally reprehensible, yet ab friendly, Wade, it starts to rain on them and she is IMMEDIATELY snapped out of her heat wave delirium.

I just know that the person writing this garbage is a karma friendly, believer in fate and extraordinary circumstances. Barf.

Jeopardy – Worst Category Ever

You failed us all

As soon as the category “Acting Hurt” came on, my boyfriend and I both dorked out and said “William Hurt” before any of the clues were even read. What was really sad though, was that when they did get to the category, three out of five clues involved William Hurt. WHY WOULD YOU EVEN MAKE THIS CATEGORY? They could have done a million things with it too. Hurt Locker, the line “She’s hurtin’ for a squirtin’” from 40-year-old virgin (not family friendly, I know). The Jeopardy cluemakers are losing their shit. I guess looking up trivia all day can do things to your mental faculties.

 

 

 

 

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Worst Plot lines on TV Right Now

Posted by October 14, 2011

Dear reader:

It’s about time that I unleash a new segment called “Worst Plot lines on TV Right Now.” I’ve been thinking about doing this for months, ever since Connor on Degrassi became “the panty collector,” one of the dumbest, most useless plot lines I’ve ever seen on TV. Essentially, a character on Degrassi with Asperger’s syndrome was going into the change room and stealing girls’ underwear.

Busted.

Is this really a bad enough issue with teenagers that we have to devote an entire plot line to it? Maybe this panty stealing thing is an epidemic. We need to stop it before it kills us all!

Now that the fall has brought us new shows, TV channels are flooded with even more crappy, contrived plot lines. Here are some of my favourites:

90210 – Double Trouble.

Yes, 90210 is so absurd this season that I have to point out two ridiculous plot lines:

Oh no! I’m addicted to Ritalin!

Ritalin is tearing me apart

This season, Dixon wants to put out the next great EP and the only way he can find his creative inspiration is through the powerful effects of… Ritalin. Really, 90210? Ritalin as a drug addiction? I mean, yes, I’m sure it’s a somewhat serious issue, but this is your big concern for America’s youth? I’m surprised they wouldn’t tackle something like an ecstasy addiction, which I think is more of a problem for young people right now. Also, wouldn’t that be a much more exciting plot line? I should write this shit.

Side note: Dear creators of 90210, feel free to call me. I’m a desperate writer and am willing to sell my soul to corporate America.

Now back to the stink fest:

My husband’s back from the dead!

And it isn't weird at all.

Classic. I had high standards for 90210, sadly. They’ve actually had some pretty meaningful issues on the show like bipolar disorder, cancer, rape, and homophobia, so I never thought they would ever use the infamous soap opera device of someone returning from the dead. I know this soap opera plot all too well as my mom and I have been watching “All My Children” since I was five. I’ve watched enough soaps to know that when an actor leaves a show and they kill him off, they can easily bring them back to life at some point either with the same actor or a different one, and no one ever says anything about it.

Also what troubled me about this particular plot on 90210 was the lack of reaction from Liam and Jane when the person they presumed was dead showed up at their door. They were so mellow about the whole thing, like it was no big thang. “Oh, hey man, we thought you were dead,” says Liam in his monotone bad actor, nice abs voice. “It’s sweet that you’re not dead.”

This is just television at its worst. I need to cleanse my brain with episodes of Breaking Bad. Oh sweet, Breaking Bad, you are in a league of your own.

Finally, the mother of all stinkers:

Grey’s Anatomy a.k.a. We don’t know what to do with these characters anymore

Will someone cancel this fucking thing already!

Grey’s Anatomy is more of a collective, terrible plot line. There is absolutely nothing I’m interested in. Though, I must admit, last week’s episode with all those men chopping wood all night was the best lady porn I’ve seen in a long time.

I’m pretty sure they’ve given up on Mark Sloan’s character, probably because he looks like a shriveled corpse this season and no one wants to look at him. Him and Derek fighting over Avery was the most boring and random thing I’ve ever seen. Someone best come in and shoot some more people down or mama is gonna lose interest real fast.

That’s all I have for now but expect more updates on this subject since I have zero life and watch every show imaginable (yeah, I even watch Private Practice and it’s for old people).

Know of any shit plot lines that I’m forgetting about? Let me know by divulging your secrets here.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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